Annual Unprofesssional Review

Sleighbells ring, ding dong merrily – ‘Tis the season of Good Will and Performance Reviews.  Ziggler has had her nursery parents’ evening (she’s brilliant); Trulove has had his Annual Review (he’s a Shining Star in the firmament of the Evil Empire); and even Pickle is booked in for her 2-year health and progress check tomorrow, when I’m fully expecting to have her genius confirmed.

I’ve been feeling a bit envious of all this having actual feedback on how you’re doing, so I booked in a phone conference with myself, took the minutes, and am now actioning point 1(i):  Give Self End-of-year Review.  (I’m sure Ziggler would be happy to contribute her twopenneth and Trulove has already offered his services in this respect,  but it was felt that they lack respectively the required seniority and the faintest idea of what goes on around here between the hours of leaving for and returning from work).  So here goes.

Name: Vickola

Date of Evaluation: Today

Job Title: Accidental Stay At Home Mother

Department: General Drudgery Division

Months in this Position: 24 but feels simultaneously like 650 and 0.5

Review Period: Entire Life of children (and, let’s face it, self).

1. Commitment to Quality/Quality of Work:

Honestly?  Could Do Better.  I definitely have a commitment to muddling along, and often that works out for the best, I find.  Sometimes, if I’m in the right kind of mood, I can bake buns with the kids, do a couple of loads of washing, and create a pretend softplay out of sofa cushions complete with ironing board slide in the space of an afternoon.  Other times, let’s just say I’m glad we paid the licence fee for the telly.

2. Dedication

To the children, their happiness and well-being: limitless.

To playing an infinite number of games of ‘horseys’: Needs Improvement.

To maintaining a hygienic home: Um, no.

3. Knowledge of job Do you mean knowledge of what job entails or what job actually is?  Because I find both quite, let’s say, flexible.  Two and three year olds have varying – sometimes entirely mystifying – requirements.  I suppose knowing that I don’t know means I have a pretty good knowledge of this job, yes.

4. Productivity/Time Management: We were still in our pyjamas at 11 this morning.  Does that cover this section?

5. Initiative Can you imagine if I followed orders and nothing more?  We would all be on the sofa with ‘Horseland’ on repeat, eating a billion packets of chocolate biscuits and drinking pink milk.  There would never be a bedtime.  The carpet would be a swamp of cat-hair, discarded apple-cores, spilt juice and wee (more than it already is), as vacuuming disturbs the management’s enjoyment of the telly. Luckily, yes, I can think for myself, as proven by the fact we do eat fresh vegetables very occasionally.

6.Decision Making/Problem Solving: Well, I certainly make decisions, and I definitely solve problems.  I think Ziggler might argue that some of my decisions are downright mean and Pickle that some of the solving is superfluous (holding the cat half in and half out of the cat flap with his tail?  What’s the problem?), but my facilities are all there.

7. Interpersonal Relationships and Management Skills:

If you get by with bribes and threats, you’ll rule with very few regrets 

as none of my grandparents used to say.

8.  Attendance/punctuality

Yeah pretty much flawless.  I do excel at being there, that’s for sure.

Goals from the last Review Period:

1. Not watching ‘Dora the Explorer’ on repeat: Achieved.  We’ve switched allegiances to ‘Horseland’.

2. Doing some things unrelated to children and their endless needs: Achieved! I have joined a choir and done some voluntary writing work.  Well done me!

3. Work towards not wanting to top self between Teatime and Bedtime every evening: Improved.  Mainly by worrying less about point #1 and buying some headphones to practise for point #2.

4. Maintain a hygienic and welcoming home: Um, no.

Goals for next review period:

1. Keep blogging

2. Keep entries a bit shorter.  Sorry.

So there we are.  I am not doing too badly.  I have accepted it’s impossible to tell how I’m doing, for now, and that it’ll probably only become clear in my children’s future psychological therapy sessions.

I haven’t blogged for a while, I know, but in the spirit of working towards not wanting to top self between Teatime and Bedtime I am being nice to myself about it.  So there you are.  See you later.

I nicked my review headings from Inc. but – and you won’t believe this – ruthlessly cut it for brevity.


About vickola

Bad housewife.
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